24 May 2014
Transmission to future visitors
I figured it would probably be a good idea to say that I no longer live here. In fact, I've been blogging from Whispers of a Barefoot Medical Student for almost four years now. You're welcome to visit me there!
31 July 2010
I had a fight
My ex and I had a fight tonight (and trust me, this is not like the usual ex-stories people tell).
It's an interesting dynamic because of the nature of our campus and the campus activities here. I am editor-in-chief of our campus newspaper, and he trained me in the job.
Our break-up in February was very bad and for a long time he treated me terribly. The past few months we've been friends, and it has been good. But this week he is angry with me for something. I haven't done anything wrong - somebody asked me a question and I answered. He seems to think that I smeared his name.
We had words tonight. He was treating me like a dog, and I couldn't pretend it's okay this time. So at some point I told him, "Get out of my office and get stuffed."
He left immediately and me, being stupid as I am, felt bad. So I went after him and said I'm sorry. He carried on walking. I SMS'd him.
ME:
I cried. I am afraid. He has a lot of influence on campus, and I am running for our student representative council at the moment. I am prepared for the possibility of losing the elections - but I want it to be fair. I have witnessed him seeing to it that staff at the university don't get re-hired; as a personal vendetta.
I still feel bad. It is taking all my resolve not to go to his room and apologise again.
What sucks is that he has treated me like total crap several times, and he has hardly ever apologised. It doesn't seem to bother him when he hurts me. I was a confident, successful young lady. And he has managed, over the past year, to break down every grain of confidence I have. He managed to make me believe that I was worthless. And yet here I am, worried that I hurt the man who claims to be untouchable.
It's an interesting dynamic because of the nature of our campus and the campus activities here. I am editor-in-chief of our campus newspaper, and he trained me in the job.
Our break-up in February was very bad and for a long time he treated me terribly. The past few months we've been friends, and it has been good. But this week he is angry with me for something. I haven't done anything wrong - somebody asked me a question and I answered. He seems to think that I smeared his name.
We had words tonight. He was treating me like a dog, and I couldn't pretend it's okay this time. So at some point I told him, "Get out of my office and get stuffed."
He left immediately and me, being stupid as I am, felt bad. So I went after him and said I'm sorry. He carried on walking. I SMS'd him.
ME:
Okay, you didn't have to hear me out. I'm sorry, I know that was uncalled for. But I am sorry. I don't know what I was thinking.HIM:
YOU NEVER THINK! PERIOD!
I cried. I am afraid. He has a lot of influence on campus, and I am running for our student representative council at the moment. I am prepared for the possibility of losing the elections - but I want it to be fair. I have witnessed him seeing to it that staff at the university don't get re-hired; as a personal vendetta.
I still feel bad. It is taking all my resolve not to go to his room and apologise again.
What sucks is that he has treated me like total crap several times, and he has hardly ever apologised. It doesn't seem to bother him when he hurts me. I was a confident, successful young lady. And he has managed, over the past year, to break down every grain of confidence I have. He managed to make me believe that I was worthless. And yet here I am, worried that I hurt the man who claims to be untouchable.
20 July 2010
On blogging and House
I recently watched House Season 6, Episode 15 (I thought it was 14, but the giant web tells me it’s 15).
It is the episode where the team must diagnose Frankie, the blogger lady. It set me thinking on blogging and privacy and the reasons why I’m possibly not as good a blogger as I am a writer.*
At the beginning, Frankie’s husband is upset that she’s blogged their arguments.
"I want to be a big part of your life, but I don’t want to be a part of their lives!"
I think I respect the people in my life too much to just write about them. Surely they wouldn’t always like being mentioned in something which they cannot control. That’s why in the past I’ve used nom-de-plumes or initials only; and eventually just stopped trying to identify them to my [possible] readers.
Taub and House have an interesting banter.
CHASE: I don’t get putting my whole life online.
That’s what my ouma and parents say too.
TAUB: It’s not that crazy. Privacy is basically a modern invention. Towns used to be too small for anybody to keep any secrets.
I come from a similar set-up. I didn’t always enjoy it.
HOUSE: And knowing too much about each other is exactly why people leave small towns and move to the city.
And now I’m in a huge city and I .want people to know about my life. God, I can’t figure out what I want.
TAUB: And a lot of people choose to stay because in return for zero privacy you get community, connection.
HOUSE: Connections are for airports. For peole we have over 300 TV channels.
Irrelevant, but funny.
Or maybe it is relevant. Maybe those of us who blog are the ones who dislike that we live in an era of decreased human connection. So we use the very tool that has, to a large extent, caused that to remedy our problem.
I am too afraid to mention my name on this blog and too afraid to advertise the link because I am afraid my family will find it. I have secrets which I don’t want them to know. Like the fact that I haven’t studied at all for my very important Urogenital System test tomorrow.
And despite my efforts to hide it from them, I still do not blog about what I really want to, in fear that they do find it.
House says,
"If they don't kill you, secrets keep you warm and fuzzy."
* As it stands, does Blogspot have an app to tell you the hits you have? Wordpress does but I do prefer Blogger.
11 July 2010
For an uncle who left us 2010-07-10
I always knew that one day Pappa would call and he would use that tone of voice and say,
“Pappa het slegte nuus vandag.”*
And somebody would be gone.
I was jabbering on about my rash. My stupid goddamn rash that had me worried that I was dying. He was quiet. I think I heard him sniff and maybe I knew that something was the matter and so I carried on jabbering until he had to interrupt me.
So many thoughts can be thought in a second.
Inasplitsecond.
Is it my puppy; did she run in front of a car?
It can’t be Mamma or one of the kids because then Dad wouldn’t be able to break the news.
And I saw Ouma just the other day and she was healthy. Please don’t let it be her.
Give me strength.
Not once did I think it might be you.
It serves as a stark reminder that none of us thought to call you, to remind you that we love you.
I wish you didn’t have to be in that dark place. I know what it is like to want to leave and I wish I could have helped you. If but I knew.
You were there when I was christened. You had a keen interest in my music, my karate, my academics. You treated me as though I were a prodigy.
You were convinced that I would be a great doctor.
You said you would stay alive long enough for me to operate on you!!!
I don’t understand.
Just the other day we joked about how you always had your GPS set on some foreign language.
You had a knack for languages, I’m sure.
You were a brilliant musician. A gifted photographer.
I wish I knew you better.
You helped me to buy a camera just the other day.
Two months ago, that’s when I last saw you.
I never replied to the last SMS I sent you. I wish I had known.
The guilt-trip is no use, I know.
But, oh, I know that there have been times that a friendly SMS has lifted a cold blade harmlessly from marble skin.
And while it may not have helped... what if it had?
I don’t even know if I have a photo with you, but for the one when I was three months old and dedicated to the church.
I wanted to show you the photos from my trip. I wanted to let you photograph me, like you always said you wanted to. I wanted to make music for you again like I had when I was younger.
It doesn’t feel like you have left. I cannot imagine that you are no longer here. Perhaps it is a dream. Perhaps it never happened. Out here, without my family, I feel nothing.
Many who love you are angry with you.
They point to people dying of cancer, people who wish to live, and they ask how you could take the decision into your own hands.
What they do not know is that you too suffered a cancer; a cancer that ate at your soul until you did not feel alive. Until the only feeling you knew was pain.
But though I remember how you must have felt...
I still do not understand.
[* "I have bad news today"]
“Pappa het slegte nuus vandag.”*
And somebody would be gone.
I was jabbering on about my rash. My stupid goddamn rash that had me worried that I was dying. He was quiet. I think I heard him sniff and maybe I knew that something was the matter and so I carried on jabbering until he had to interrupt me.
So many thoughts can be thought in a second.
Inasplitsecond.
Is it my puppy; did she run in front of a car?
It can’t be Mamma or one of the kids because then Dad wouldn’t be able to break the news.
And I saw Ouma just the other day and she was healthy. Please don’t let it be her.
Give me strength.
Not once did I think it might be you.
It serves as a stark reminder that none of us thought to call you, to remind you that we love you.
I wish you didn’t have to be in that dark place. I know what it is like to want to leave and I wish I could have helped you. If but I knew.
You were there when I was christened. You had a keen interest in my music, my karate, my academics. You treated me as though I were a prodigy.
You were convinced that I would be a great doctor.
You said you would stay alive long enough for me to operate on you!!!
I don’t understand.
Just the other day we joked about how you always had your GPS set on some foreign language.
You had a knack for languages, I’m sure.
You were a brilliant musician. A gifted photographer.
I wish I knew you better.
You helped me to buy a camera just the other day.
Two months ago, that’s when I last saw you.
I never replied to the last SMS I sent you. I wish I had known.
The guilt-trip is no use, I know.
But, oh, I know that there have been times that a friendly SMS has lifted a cold blade harmlessly from marble skin.
And while it may not have helped... what if it had?
I don’t even know if I have a photo with you, but for the one when I was three months old and dedicated to the church.
I wanted to show you the photos from my trip. I wanted to let you photograph me, like you always said you wanted to. I wanted to make music for you again like I had when I was younger.
It doesn’t feel like you have left. I cannot imagine that you are no longer here. Perhaps it is a dream. Perhaps it never happened. Out here, without my family, I feel nothing.
Many who love you are angry with you.
They point to people dying of cancer, people who wish to live, and they ask how you could take the decision into your own hands.
What they do not know is that you too suffered a cancer; a cancer that ate at your soul until you did not feel alive. Until the only feeling you knew was pain.
But though I remember how you must have felt...
I still do not understand.
[* "I have bad news today"]
10 July 2010
Rediscovery
I forgot about this blog. It's been more than a year since I posted anything here.
University has been tougher than I ever anticipated and the academic aspect is only the beginning. I've completely failed to adjust here and I seem to have lost all creativity.
It is 01:21 here and I should sleep, since my friends and I are going shopping, via the train tomorrow. I will write again soon though. Like, tomorrow, if all goes well.
Also, something is wrong with me.
2 week history of lymphadenopathy and today I woke up with a maculopapular rash. No haemorrhaging though and it's more palpable than visible. I don't feel sick at all, but it does bother me.
University has been tougher than I ever anticipated and the academic aspect is only the beginning. I've completely failed to adjust here and I seem to have lost all creativity.
It is 01:21 here and I should sleep, since my friends and I are going shopping, via the train tomorrow. I will write again soon though. Like, tomorrow, if all goes well.
Also, something is wrong with me.
2 week history of lymphadenopathy and today I woke up with a maculopapular rash. No haemorrhaging though and it's more palpable than visible. I don't feel sick at all, but it does bother me.
12 February 2009
New Friend
When we met at orientation, I hated you. I deemed you bossy, bitchy, irritating... only to discover later that it is because you have the same strong, dominant personality as I do.
I cannot get involved with you - do you understand that?
You remind me of a friend I once had. It's uncanny how much you are like her. Both swimmers (though you are the better one), both achievers in cultural and academic activities as well. The two of you have the same mannerisms, the same way of speaking, the same loud, outgoing personality.
Both supposedly insecure inside, but both super confident and intimidating on the outside.
Yet it is also uncanny how alike you and I are. We have been through so much of the same. We have the same relationship-life at the moment. The same sense of ambition and DRIVE. We enjoy the same activities, people, events, music, thoughts.
But I cannot get involved with you - do you understand that?
I know that we would be great friends. I know how well we would get along.
But I have these hooks that need to be attached to people, this neediness to make me feel good enough... and you have these holes in your life, and I will attach myself to you, and you might not be wanting that.
You do not realise it, but you are the stronger of the two of us. I can see myself lying to you, just to seem worthy to you, just to prove that I have been through enough pain and suffering to merit your acceptance.
I can see myself feeling inferior to you, I can see myself forgetting what I have achieved and done and what I am worth.
I can see our friendship being unhealthy, because I have been this way before. You see, that friend I had once, she really was so much like you. And I know, I know that the same thing that happened between me and her, is likely to happen betweeen us. Because, really, both of us are so needy.
And I am unsure that 7 years of healing has been enough to prepare me for another deep friendship, I am unsure if I have matured enough to be different, this time.
I cannot get involved with you - do you understand that?
You remind me of a friend I once had. It's uncanny how much you are like her. Both swimmers (though you are the better one), both achievers in cultural and academic activities as well. The two of you have the same mannerisms, the same way of speaking, the same loud, outgoing personality.
Both supposedly insecure inside, but both super confident and intimidating on the outside.
Yet it is also uncanny how alike you and I are. We have been through so much of the same. We have the same relationship-life at the moment. The same sense of ambition and DRIVE. We enjoy the same activities, people, events, music, thoughts.
But I cannot get involved with you - do you understand that?
I know that we would be great friends. I know how well we would get along.
But I have these hooks that need to be attached to people, this neediness to make me feel good enough... and you have these holes in your life, and I will attach myself to you, and you might not be wanting that.
You do not realise it, but you are the stronger of the two of us. I can see myself lying to you, just to seem worthy to you, just to prove that I have been through enough pain and suffering to merit your acceptance.
I can see myself feeling inferior to you, I can see myself forgetting what I have achieved and done and what I am worth.
I can see our friendship being unhealthy, because I have been this way before. You see, that friend I had once, she really was so much like you. And I know, I know that the same thing that happened between me and her, is likely to happen betweeen us. Because, really, both of us are so needy.
And I am unsure that 7 years of healing has been enough to prepare me for another deep friendship, I am unsure if I have matured enough to be different, this time.
15 January 2009
First Day in Cape Town
So today was the big day... This Eaglet spread her wings and started a solo flight.
I'd been packing for days, it's been very emotionally draining... and saying goodbye was heart wrenching. Pappa cried, Mamma cried, my sister and brother cried... and Chris was there too to see me off, and he cried too. We all cried. He kissed me in front of my family, which wa the first time ever. It was a nice kiss though, not an all-over-the-floor-PDA-kiss.
I cried. I cried a lot during the 90-minute flight, eating the chocolate Chris bought me. The ladies next to me didn't say anything, maybe it's good. Maybe they didn't notice.
I think a lot now. Did I make the right choice? Will I enjoy the Western Cape? Is Stellenbosch where I belong?
It was a pretty good day though, apart from the accute sadness. The people i'm spending the night with are good friends of Pappa's and the food is great too.
And they took me to the Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens! You don't understand how beautiful it is... I'll have to post pictures soon! It's not something you can describe... realizing that this country has so many wow plant species! And it's a lovely place to have a romantic picnic, or to just relax and clean your mind.
I think... I think i will enjoy it here.
But I do miss my family and love so very much.
I'd been packing for days, it's been very emotionally draining... and saying goodbye was heart wrenching. Pappa cried, Mamma cried, my sister and brother cried... and Chris was there too to see me off, and he cried too. We all cried. He kissed me in front of my family, which wa the first time ever. It was a nice kiss though, not an all-over-the-floor-PDA-kiss.
I cried. I cried a lot during the 90-minute flight, eating the chocolate Chris bought me. The ladies next to me didn't say anything, maybe it's good. Maybe they didn't notice.
I think a lot now. Did I make the right choice? Will I enjoy the Western Cape? Is Stellenbosch where I belong?
It was a pretty good day though, apart from the accute sadness. The people i'm spending the night with are good friends of Pappa's and the food is great too.
And they took me to the Kirstenbosch Botanical Gardens! You don't understand how beautiful it is... I'll have to post pictures soon! It's not something you can describe... realizing that this country has so many wow plant species! And it's a lovely place to have a romantic picnic, or to just relax and clean your mind.
I think... I think i will enjoy it here.
But I do miss my family and love so very much.
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