I sense a goodbye and I don't like it

Last night:
I was crying all of last night and ended up chatting to one of my good friends on my phone’s IM till about 2am, when I finally fell asleep. It seems that I want a break up now. It seems I finally understand… and it’s horrible because one part of my life wants to stay with Chris, but a tiny part thinks and almost knows that we need to break up.

Quick intro:
For those of you not familiar with the story: we met mid-2004 and a week later he contacted me again. At our first “date” he admitted he liked me. So we started a kind of cycle – we’d become close friends, we’d date, it would be good, then I’d break up with him and he’d be really hurt. Given about a month or three, the same sequence would repeat itself.

Over the years, despite the break ups and the obvious different feelings, we became pretty good friends. Best friends just about, except he treated me way better than I treated him. He said he loved me, and his behaviour proved it. Except I didn’t believe in love (sometimes I still doubt its existence) and I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I think I enjoyed being the heartbreaker for a change.

Finding myself in loneliness:
The three and a half years of being single was good for me. I got to really know myself, what I stood for, what I wanted, what I deserved. I dealt with my past and I started to see what a great guy Chris is. And I’m not sure when this happened, but I came to realize that… I love him. I think it took me six months to admit it to myself.

What you don’t know:
In the three and a half years of being chased, Chris did have other girlfriends. Mainly, I think, because I told him to stop moping. Except, we fooled around and acted a lot like we were dating even when he was in relationships. He cheated on them with me, never with any other girl. And I was the one pushing for it.

Officially:
Beginning 2008 we started dating. And I say that for lack of a better word. And it was wonderful.

Trouble in paradise:
The wheel turns. I started thinking, if he cheated on them, who’s to say he won’t cheat on me? Once a cheater, always a cheater? And yet I was the common factor all those times was me, and according to him he had who he had dreamed of all those years and why would he mess it up now? And in the past year and a half he has done nothing to betray my trust (I have my ways of finding out when guys lie or betray) and yet I find myself not trusting him.

When love isn’t enough:
When we had our break in June this year, one of the things he kept saying when I asked him how he could say it’s over and I love you in the same sentence, was, “sometimes love isn’t enough”. For the longest time I couldn’t forgive him for that. But now? I’m starting to realize what he meant.

Our fights are generally about stupid things. And if he thinks one of my questions are stupid, he won’t answer it even if it won’t make a difference. And I won’t let go. And we’re both so freaking stubborn. And he treats me so well most times, and spoils me, and spends time with me, but times come that I feel emotionally neglected. As though we just can’t give each other what we need right now.

Maybe now just isn’t the right time:
At our last fight, I told him, “maybe you were wrong. Maybe we aren’t meant for each other. Maybe we are both with the completely wrong person. Maybe you made a mistake.” And he said, “Maybe now just isn’t the right time in our lives.”

My attitude this year:
Basically I’ve said, if we break up now, it’s over forever. There’s no such things as realizing a few years from now that he made the biggest mistake of his life. There’s no such thing as wanting me back after a while. But now I’m beginning to think I’m wrong.

So the problem:
I’m going off 1000km (i don't know how many miles... PLENTY) next year to university. This year has been great, having him. But it’s also been awesomely tough. The doubt, the fights. And I’m just beginning to think: maybe we do need time apart. Time to say “no” to people who ask us out, not because we have to (in order not to cheat) but because we realize that they are not what we want or deserve. Time to think about what we want from a relationship and what we want to give. Time for me to think about whether I’m willing to trust him (or another guy) and what I expect of a guy. Time for him to think about how he wants to treat his girl. Time to mature, to be willing to sacrifice and compromise. Time to grow, I guess.

What to do:
I want to maybe have a heart to heart with him. Possibly 2nd or 3rd January. One that isn’t preceded by a fight, so chances of both of us being calm and logical are greater. I am not going to force a break up with him, but I’m going to tell him that I’m struggling to hold on. Mention the possibility of a break up. And decide together. Make agreements. I don’t know, it’s difficult to put it on paper, but hopefully you get the idea.

I don’t know…:
I don’t know if this is a good idea. And I don’t know if I can go through with it. That is what made me cry last night and I’ve been in an irritable and downright horrible mood all day (either the emotional upset, the lack of sleep, PMS or all three). I love him and I have no doubt that he loves me. And I can’t imagine a life without him. I can’t imagine telling my family, because he fits in so perfectly with us.
Little secret: all those years that I gave him bat and treated him badly, when I secretly thought or dreamt of my future kids, I always pictured him as their dad. I used to hate it, because I couldn’t help it.

Epiphanies

For much of my life, I have dreamed of the kind of guy who would make me truly happy. The kind of guy "I deserve".

But now I am learning that that is one big lie, because I have found a guy who vowed to be good and I am even more unhappy.

He is a good person. At least, I think he is. But he cannot fulfil my expectations. In fact, I don't think any guy can fulfil them. And the more I expect, the more he hurts me, the more we fight and the more my mind and soul are tortured.

I think I am beginning to realize that I need to find happiness within myself, because it seems that no person can do it for me.

But how do I find happiness within myself when I measure myself by the people in my life? From where does one extract happiness if it is not from people, not from achievements and not from events?

Is happiness merely abstract, merely the absence of sadness and fear - just as dark is only the absence of light and cold is only the absence of heat?

Do I find happiness in faith? In God? That would be wonderful, were it not for my doubtfulness.
Who is to say that a Muslim does not extract the same joy from his faith as I used to get from mine?

I am so tired of waiting around to hear from CRM. He oly contacts me when he has nothing else to do. I swim, I read, I try to keep myself busy, but he is on my mind the whole time. I keep running to my phone to see if there is something from him. Everytime there's a car in the driveway, I rush out to see if maybe, just once, he is surprising me with a visit. I am crying now because I don't seem to mean as much to him as he means to me.

WHY, GOD, WHY WON'T HE BE NICE TO ME?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?

I am trying to think of our relationship positively, apparently that actually affects the other person's behaviour too.

I also think I might have lower grade depression, which is apparently the most frequently undiagnosed mental disorder. I read an article about it in an old 'O' magazine and it sounds just like me.

But then again, that could just be me and my relationship issues.

Why it's over

I deserve a guy who can't wait to see me. A guy that wants to see me as much as possible. Aguy who will sacrifice a rugby game or a few extra litres of petrol to see me. And he won't even consider it a sacrifice.

I deserve a guy who thinks twice, maybe even three times before getting angry. A guy who thinks that maybe I didn't mean bad, that MAYBE he is interpreting incorrectly.

I deserve a guy who treats me with dignity even if he IS angry with me. A guy who will not hurt me on purpose.

I deserve a guy that listens to me, even if he does not enjoy what I am saying. A guy who does not slam the phone in my ear. A guy who listens to my fears and soothes them. A guy who wants to make me happy - not because he is on a leash, but because he loves me too much to see me sad.

I deserve a guy who cares.

I deserve a guy who is willing to work on problems rather than pretending they do not exist.

I deserve a guy that will fight not to lose me no matter how angry he is with me, no matter how tired he is.

I realize no guy is perfect, but I deserve the guy that at least wants to be all these things, and tries.

I have given you almost a year to be that guy, because you told me you could be. But you have not. You say that you love me, but love is not enough if you do not treat me with dignity or respect, if you are not willing to talk and compromise. I refuse to be the kind of girl who clings to a destructive relationship in the name of love one minute longer.

And that is why it is over.

Things I hate about you

• I would give up everything for you, but you are not willing to make sacrifices for me.
• I would rather spend time with you than with friends, but you prefer your friends.
• When I am upset you are the only person I want to talk to... when you are upset I am the one person you do not want to see.
• You "punish" me by ignoring me as soon as I say or do something that you don't like.
• If you want to be alone I must let you be regardless of what I want, but if I need something from you and you're not in the mood, you will refuse.
• You won't watch or do something that I'll enjoy just to spend time with me.
• You used to be sensitive and caring, you used to want to make me happy... now you don't seem to care.
• When she was sad you drove all the way to cheer her up, but when I am down you get irritated with me.
• If you're in a bad mood you take it out on me.
• You lie and hide stuff.
• No matter how hard I try, it's never good enough.
• You're always sorry but you always hurt me again.
• I have to do everything your way.
• I'm not allowed to threaten you but you always threaten me.
• I love you more.
• I miss you more.
• You won't talk and you won't erase this doubt from my mind.
• You wanted me more when you couldn't have me.
• You're not the boy you told me you were.
• You don't seem upset when our relationship is on the verge of ending.
• I wish I could act like you
• ...but I am afraid that it won't even bother you.

It hurts

CRM and I fought. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. AND today.

It hurts. You don't know how much I have cried.
I tried to break up with him... but I know that even though life is hell with him, it will be even worse without him. And he didn't even seem to be hurt by the fact that I want to break up. I asked him to give me a reason not to break up... and he flatly refused.

Then today he was feeling down and snapped at me for no reason and when I told him not to, he flipped and told me to fuck off because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Today was supposed to be our eleven months... I don't think he even knows.
And I'm not going to mention it to him because he might fight. Again.
I made such a change to my behaviour yesterday and it still wasn't good enough.

I'm so tired of crying! I'm so tired of his SHIT!

Why don't I break up with him?
Because I love him. Because I think I know the real him.

Because I am too scared of realizing that breaking up won't bother him???

To top it off, the parents are also being mean... I am learning to shut up, it goes by quicker that way. ALthough it maybe hurts more.

CNM is here to be a friend, I am glad. We're studying together and she held me and let me cry earlier when I needed it.

I am ready to leave for university now, I am ready now to start a new life.

But I am so sad about CRM... I miss how we used to be.

And now I'm crying again.

Realization

I had a sad realization somewhere during the past few days (I still don't know how to spell realization).

He has become exactly what I wanted him to be when we met 4 years and 5 months ago.

Granted, I had been scarred by men.
Granted, I had hardened myself beyond reproach.
Granted, I still had much to learn about who I was and what I really wanted and needed.

But the kind of guy I desired, deep down, was one that was macho, wouldn't cry in front of me and wouldn't smother me.

He was manly, of course. But he got attached to me so easily. He trusted me completely and wanted me to solve all his problems. He would cry in front of me. He would do anything for me. He kept trying to get me to go places with him. He told me he loved me so often.

I hated him.
He didn't give up.
He taught me how to love again...

But I am seeing the damage of our fights, my insults, now.

When we fight nowadays he gets angry quickly.
I can't remember when last I saw him cry and he gets angry with me when I cry.
He isn't open to me talking about stuff anymore.
He doesn't keep trying to do adorable things.

It seems that I am forever trying to change circumstances and am never happy with the results...
Would if I had left him as he was?
That's the boy I fell in love with, but now he has turned into someone the oyunger me wanted.

All I want now is him.

I feel hopeless.

Sometimes I think we should break up, the time of magic is over...
but then I think of Shakespeare's Let me not to the marriage of true minds... and I can't, oh I can't because I know something in my heart that my mind just cannot fathom yet - or that my mind has forgotten.

We have spoken about ending things.

But neither of us has the guts to do it.

That one week we spent broken up in June caused so much damage already.

I don't know.
I don't know.
I just... want things to be good again. Like we both deserve...

...even the worste people deserve love.