About a year ago, I had this wonderous moment of epiphany. It was as though my eyes opened and I finally saw what I had been, what I went through and what I had become.
And it made sense.
It was wonderful. It was amazing to realize that life had not been pointless, that troubles - although not ordained by a higher power, but allowed; and so used towards a greater plan - truly had obeyed the ancient clichè and made me a better person.
Now I come to a point where I wonder if it really was, because somehwere among the rush and the tears and the achievements of 2008, I seem to have lost myself again. A part of me yearns for a torturous couple of years to mould me back into the person I was, the person admired by so many, the person worthy of life.
I recall walking along a mountain path with him a little over a year ago. I recall telling him that some people aren't made for relationships. That it "cramps their style". That I think I am better off alone.
I fought to be right. I felt I had proved my point. Now I just wish I was wrong.
More than anything, I want to find myself more, I want to find answers to these conundra.
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
28 December 2008
25 December 2008
I sense a goodbye and I don't like it
Last night:
I was crying all of last night and ended up chatting to one of my good friends on my phone’s IM till about 2am, when I finally fell asleep. It seems that I want a break up now. It seems I finally understand… and it’s horrible because one part of my life wants to stay with Chris, but a tiny part thinks and almost knows that we need to break up.
Quick intro:
For those of you not familiar with the story: we met mid-2004 and a week later he contacted me again. At our first “date” he admitted he liked me. So we started a kind of cycle – we’d become close friends, we’d date, it would be good, then I’d break up with him and he’d be really hurt. Given about a month or three, the same sequence would repeat itself.
Over the years, despite the break ups and the obvious different feelings, we became pretty good friends. Best friends just about, except he treated me way better than I treated him. He said he loved me, and his behaviour proved it. Except I didn’t believe in love (sometimes I still doubt its existence) and I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I think I enjoyed being the heartbreaker for a change.
Finding myself in loneliness:
The three and a half years of being single was good for me. I got to really know myself, what I stood for, what I wanted, what I deserved. I dealt with my past and I started to see what a great guy Chris is. And I’m not sure when this happened, but I came to realize that… I love him. I think it took me six months to admit it to myself.
What you don’t know:
In the three and a half years of being chased, Chris did have other girlfriends. Mainly, I think, because I told him to stop moping. Except, we fooled around and acted a lot like we were dating even when he was in relationships. He cheated on them with me, never with any other girl. And I was the one pushing for it.
Officially:
Beginning 2008 we started dating. And I say that for lack of a better word. And it was wonderful.
Trouble in paradise:
The wheel turns. I started thinking, if he cheated on them, who’s to say he won’t cheat on me? Once a cheater, always a cheater? And yet I was the common factor all those times was me, and according to him he had who he had dreamed of all those years and why would he mess it up now? And in the past year and a half he has done nothing to betray my trust (I have my ways of finding out when guys lie or betray) and yet I find myself not trusting him.
When love isn’t enough:
When we had our break in June this year, one of the things he kept saying when I asked him how he could say it’s over and I love you in the same sentence, was, “sometimes love isn’t enough”. For the longest time I couldn’t forgive him for that. But now? I’m starting to realize what he meant.
Our fights are generally about stupid things. And if he thinks one of my questions are stupid, he won’t answer it even if it won’t make a difference. And I won’t let go. And we’re both so freaking stubborn. And he treats me so well most times, and spoils me, and spends time with me, but times come that I feel emotionally neglected. As though we just can’t give each other what we need right now.
Maybe now just isn’t the right time:
At our last fight, I told him, “maybe you were wrong. Maybe we aren’t meant for each other. Maybe we are both with the completely wrong person. Maybe you made a mistake.” And he said, “Maybe now just isn’t the right time in our lives.”
My attitude this year:
Basically I’ve said, if we break up now, it’s over forever. There’s no such things as realizing a few years from now that he made the biggest mistake of his life. There’s no such thing as wanting me back after a while. But now I’m beginning to think I’m wrong.
So the problem:
I’m going off 1000km (i don't know how many miles... PLENTY) next year to university. This year has been great, having him. But it’s also been awesomely tough. The doubt, the fights. And I’m just beginning to think: maybe we do need time apart. Time to say “no” to people who ask us out, not because we have to (in order not to cheat) but because we realize that they are not what we want or deserve. Time to think about what we want from a relationship and what we want to give. Time for me to think about whether I’m willing to trust him (or another guy) and what I expect of a guy. Time for him to think about how he wants to treat his girl. Time to mature, to be willing to sacrifice and compromise. Time to grow, I guess.
What to do:
I want to maybe have a heart to heart with him. Possibly 2nd or 3rd January. One that isn’t preceded by a fight, so chances of both of us being calm and logical are greater. I am not going to force a break up with him, but I’m going to tell him that I’m struggling to hold on. Mention the possibility of a break up. And decide together. Make agreements. I don’t know, it’s difficult to put it on paper, but hopefully you get the idea.
I don’t know…:
I don’t know if this is a good idea. And I don’t know if I can go through with it. That is what made me cry last night and I’ve been in an irritable and downright horrible mood all day (either the emotional upset, the lack of sleep, PMS or all three). I love him and I have no doubt that he loves me. And I can’t imagine a life without him. I can’t imagine telling my family, because he fits in so perfectly with us.
Little secret: all those years that I gave him bat and treated him badly, when I secretly thought or dreamt of my future kids, I always pictured him as their dad. I used to hate it, because I couldn’t help it.
I was crying all of last night and ended up chatting to one of my good friends on my phone’s IM till about 2am, when I finally fell asleep. It seems that I want a break up now. It seems I finally understand… and it’s horrible because one part of my life wants to stay with Chris, but a tiny part thinks and almost knows that we need to break up.
Quick intro:
For those of you not familiar with the story: we met mid-2004 and a week later he contacted me again. At our first “date” he admitted he liked me. So we started a kind of cycle – we’d become close friends, we’d date, it would be good, then I’d break up with him and he’d be really hurt. Given about a month or three, the same sequence would repeat itself.
Over the years, despite the break ups and the obvious different feelings, we became pretty good friends. Best friends just about, except he treated me way better than I treated him. He said he loved me, and his behaviour proved it. Except I didn’t believe in love (sometimes I still doubt its existence) and I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I think I enjoyed being the heartbreaker for a change.
Finding myself in loneliness:
The three and a half years of being single was good for me. I got to really know myself, what I stood for, what I wanted, what I deserved. I dealt with my past and I started to see what a great guy Chris is. And I’m not sure when this happened, but I came to realize that… I love him. I think it took me six months to admit it to myself.
What you don’t know:
In the three and a half years of being chased, Chris did have other girlfriends. Mainly, I think, because I told him to stop moping. Except, we fooled around and acted a lot like we were dating even when he was in relationships. He cheated on them with me, never with any other girl. And I was the one pushing for it.
Officially:
Beginning 2008 we started dating. And I say that for lack of a better word. And it was wonderful.
Trouble in paradise:
The wheel turns. I started thinking, if he cheated on them, who’s to say he won’t cheat on me? Once a cheater, always a cheater? And yet I was the common factor all those times was me, and according to him he had who he had dreamed of all those years and why would he mess it up now? And in the past year and a half he has done nothing to betray my trust (I have my ways of finding out when guys lie or betray) and yet I find myself not trusting him.
When love isn’t enough:
When we had our break in June this year, one of the things he kept saying when I asked him how he could say it’s over and I love you in the same sentence, was, “sometimes love isn’t enough”. For the longest time I couldn’t forgive him for that. But now? I’m starting to realize what he meant.
Our fights are generally about stupid things. And if he thinks one of my questions are stupid, he won’t answer it even if it won’t make a difference. And I won’t let go. And we’re both so freaking stubborn. And he treats me so well most times, and spoils me, and spends time with me, but times come that I feel emotionally neglected. As though we just can’t give each other what we need right now.
Maybe now just isn’t the right time:
At our last fight, I told him, “maybe you were wrong. Maybe we aren’t meant for each other. Maybe we are both with the completely wrong person. Maybe you made a mistake.” And he said, “Maybe now just isn’t the right time in our lives.”
My attitude this year:
Basically I’ve said, if we break up now, it’s over forever. There’s no such things as realizing a few years from now that he made the biggest mistake of his life. There’s no such thing as wanting me back after a while. But now I’m beginning to think I’m wrong.
So the problem:
I’m going off 1000km (i don't know how many miles... PLENTY) next year to university. This year has been great, having him. But it’s also been awesomely tough. The doubt, the fights. And I’m just beginning to think: maybe we do need time apart. Time to say “no” to people who ask us out, not because we have to (in order not to cheat) but because we realize that they are not what we want or deserve. Time to think about what we want from a relationship and what we want to give. Time for me to think about whether I’m willing to trust him (or another guy) and what I expect of a guy. Time for him to think about how he wants to treat his girl. Time to mature, to be willing to sacrifice and compromise. Time to grow, I guess.
What to do:
I want to maybe have a heart to heart with him. Possibly 2nd or 3rd January. One that isn’t preceded by a fight, so chances of both of us being calm and logical are greater. I am not going to force a break up with him, but I’m going to tell him that I’m struggling to hold on. Mention the possibility of a break up. And decide together. Make agreements. I don’t know, it’s difficult to put it on paper, but hopefully you get the idea.
I don’t know…:
I don’t know if this is a good idea. And I don’t know if I can go through with it. That is what made me cry last night and I’ve been in an irritable and downright horrible mood all day (either the emotional upset, the lack of sleep, PMS or all three). I love him and I have no doubt that he loves me. And I can’t imagine a life without him. I can’t imagine telling my family, because he fits in so perfectly with us.
Little secret: all those years that I gave him bat and treated him badly, when I secretly thought or dreamt of my future kids, I always pictured him as their dad. I used to hate it, because I couldn’t help it.
02 December 2008
Things I hate about you
- I would give up everything for you, but you are not willing to make sacrifices for me.
- I would rather spend time with you than with friends, but you prefer your friends.
- When I am upset you are the only person I want to talk to... when you are upset I am the one person you do not want to see.
- You "punish" me by ignoring me as soon as I say or do something that you don't like.
- If you want to be alone I must let you be regardless of what I want, but if I need something from you and you're not in the mood, you will refuse.
- You won't watch or do something that I'll enjoy just to spend time with me.
- You used to be sensitive and caring, you used to want to make me happy... now you don't seem to care.
- When she was sad you drove all the way to cheer her up, but when I am down you get irritated with me.
- If you're in a bad mood you take it out on me.
- You lie and hide stuff.
- No matter how hard I try, it's never good enough.
- You're always sorry but you always hurt me again.
- I have to do everything your way.
- I'm not allowed to threaten you but you always threaten me.
- I love you more.
- I miss you more.
- You won't talk and you won't erase this doubt from my mind.
- You wanted me more when you couldn't have me.
- You're not the boy you told me you were.
- You don't seem upset when our relationship is on the verge of ending.
- I wish I could act like you
- ...but I am afraid that it won't even bother you.
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