The Swiss Ophthalmologist and his Teddy

He was once known as the best ophthalologist in South Africa. He has humour, he has wit, he also has immense wisdom.

He tells us of a difficult childhood. A poor family with five children in Switzerland.

A mother who would always give some soup to the needy, no matter how much she had to dilute it with water. As long as everybody got something.

His father with his faithful watchdog, working as a guard.

And this brilliant little boy whose intelligence wowed his teachers. Teachers who told his parents it would be a sin not to let this boy continue with his schooling straight through to tertiary education.

He took a job and his father took two, just to get him the very best education.

And look at him now. Wealthy. Intelligent. Well-known. STRONG.
Battling cancer and muscular dystrophy, an ex-wife and ungreatful children.

One story from his childhood still makes me cry. He had one toy, just one. A teddybear that was his best friend. He was a little boy of about eight during World War 2 and his teacher told the class about all the little boys and girls whose homes and toys had been destroyed by the bombings. They were going to have a toy collection for these poor little boys and girls and all the children were to bring at least one toy as donation to school during the next week.

This little boy went home and looked at his favourite, loved little companion. And he took the teddy to his teacher the next day and he cried, he cried so much, but he gave it up, and the teacher said not to worry, he is doing a good thing. And for the rest of that week, his teddy-friend sat on Teacher's desk and watched him, and the little boy felt such loneliness.

Could that teacher not see that this boy was poor to, and needed a toy - his ONLY toy? Could she not secretly give it back to him? Did she perhaps at least notice the amazing sacrifice he was making?

I wish I could go back in time and hug that little boy and give him his teddy back.

Because of all the stories the doctor has told us... this is the only one that still makes him cry when he tells it.

Christmas musings

I do not long for a White Christmas. I have learned to love our warm, beautiful African Christmas. We try to stay away from the snowy, wintery decorations purely by the policy of enjoying the place one is in, rather than pretending to be elsewhere.

I still think a snowy Christmas would be fun one day and I hope to experience it one day.

There is a familiar feeling with me this Christmas, as always. When I decorate the Christmas tree with my kid borther and -sister and shop with the parents I can't help thinking that maybe next year we won't have the privilege to be together again. We do not know who may have passed on this time next year, we do not know if there will be a new sadness, a new longing.

It enables one to enjoy and experience as much as possible of this time of togetherness, but it also fills my heart with fear and despair. If I knew where I stood with regards to death and so on, perhaps it would be easier... but not knowing and the thought of leaving behind so much pain - as well as the thought of experiencing the pain of loss) affects me more this time of the year than any other season or month.

Confession time: I only fully realized that tomorrow is the 24th already. [My family opens presents on Christmas Eve and has a big lunch and get-together on Christmas day] The kids have been counting down the days, and this year, that anticipation hasn't really been there for me. That could be mere preoccupation - exams ending late, keeping the house tidy and the parents happy, my relationship problems and anticipation for next year.

Truth be told, I have enjoyed buying presents. I have spent more than ever before and truly, I have loved it. I think it is more fun to give than to receive and I hope that EVERY person will experience this during some point of their life. Maybe it's because it makes me feel worth it, and I think I am the kind of "Manuel" that Paulo Coelho writes about in Manuel is an important and necessary man from Like the Flowing River - the kind of person who thrives on knowing that he/she is serving society and doing something worthwile. I am yet to decide whether this is a good or a bad thing.

When I was younger, Christmas-time had a smell. Not really the wrapping paper, or the food... but I always knew when Christmas was around the corner because that smell (perhaps it was more a feeling, a "Christmas spirit") was always there. I remember the sadness that first year that I couldn't smell Christmas.

People talk about "not feeling the Christmas spirit". I think that is because that spirit is based on our emotions and our personal experiences, and as that changes, so do the things we feel and experience.

I am at the beginning of a new phase in my life and to top that off, I have a boyfriend at Christmas for the first time ever (I always managed to lose them before Christmas in previous years) and I am a lot more independent (and more stressed) than ever before. And so that is why the "Christmas siprit" to which I have become accustomed to in the past four years, seems distinctly missing this year. What I need to learn now, is that my perception of Christmas spirit is just different now.

Many people have a problem with Christmas as Christ was, by all calculations, probably born in March and not in December. I think the fact that we have Christmas is good enough... to love each other and to reflect.

Epiphanies

For much of my life, I have dreamed of the kind of guy who would make me truly happy. The kind of guy "I deserve".

But now I am learning that that is one big lie, because I have found a guy who vowed to be good and I am even more unhappy.

He is a good person. At least, I think he is. But he cannot fulfil my expectations. In fact, I don't think any guy can fulfil them. And the more I expect, the more he hurts me, the more we fight and the more my mind and soul are tortured.

I think I am beginning to realize that I need to find happiness within myself, because it seems that no person can do it for me.

But how do I find happiness within myself when I measure myself by the people in my life? From where does one extract happiness if it is not from people, not from achievements and not from events?

Is happiness merely abstract, merely the absence of sadness and fear - just as dark is only the absence of light and cold is only the absence of heat?

Do I find happiness in faith? In God? That would be wonderful, were it not for my doubtfulness.
Who is to say that a Muslim does not extract the same joy from his faith as I used to get from mine?

I am so tired of waiting around to hear from CRM. He oly contacts me when he has nothing else to do. I swim, I read, I try to keep myself busy, but he is on my mind the whole time. I keep running to my phone to see if there is something from him. Everytime there's a car in the driveway, I rush out to see if maybe, just once, he is surprising me with a visit. I am crying now because I don't seem to mean as much to him as he means to me.

WHY, GOD, WHY WON'T HE BE NICE TO ME?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?

I am trying to think of our relationship positively, apparently that actually affects the other person's behaviour too.

I also think I might have lower grade depression, which is apparently the most frequently undiagnosed mental disorder. I read an article about it in an old 'O' magazine and it sounds just like me.

But then again, that could just be me and my relationship issues.

Why it's over

I deserve a guy who can't wait to see me. A guy that wants to see me as much as possible. Aguy who will sacrifice a rugby game or a few extra litres of petrol to see me. And he won't even consider it a sacrifice.

I deserve a guy who thinks twice, maybe even three times before getting angry. A guy who thinks that maybe I didn't mean bad, that MAYBE he is interpreting incorrectly.

I deserve a guy who treats me with dignity even if he IS angry with me. A guy who will not hurt me on purpose.

I deserve a guy that listens to me, even if he does not enjoy what I am saying. A guy who does not slam the phone in my ear. A guy who listens to my fears and soothes them. A guy who wants to make me happy - not because he is on a leash, but because he loves me too much to see me sad.

I deserve a guy who cares.

I deserve a guy who is willing to work on problems rather than pretending they do not exist.

I deserve a guy that will fight not to lose me no matter how angry he is with me, no matter how tired he is.

I realize no guy is perfect, but I deserve the guy that at least wants to be all these things, and tries.

I have given you almost a year to be that guy, because you told me you could be. But you have not. You say that you love me, but love is not enough if you do not treat me with dignity or respect, if you are not willing to talk and compromise. I refuse to be the kind of girl who clings to a destructive relationship in the name of love one minute longer.

And that is why it is over.

Update

I've been on camp since Monday - but it was horrible and for the first time in my life I left a camp before the end. I think it has something to do with my gradual loss of faith... everybody was so on fire for God and to me it just seemed so... I don't know.

CRM and I fought. He's seeing that stupid child this weekend and my trust and his anger and and and... it was horrible. He slapped me... I hit and punched and scratched him first... I tried to break up with him but I couldn't.

I've cried so much. I wish I could see him cry, or care, or something...

I don't know if we'll last forever and with every day that goes by I know I will hurt even more if we break up... but I can't.

Oh lord.

I can't.

I need clarity. I need care, tenderness, love in action and not just in words.

Oh lord.

Please.

Things I hate about you

• I would give up everything for you, but you are not willing to make sacrifices for me.
• I would rather spend time with you than with friends, but you prefer your friends.
• When I am upset you are the only person I want to talk to... when you are upset I am the one person you do not want to see.
• You "punish" me by ignoring me as soon as I say or do something that you don't like.
• If you want to be alone I must let you be regardless of what I want, but if I need something from you and you're not in the mood, you will refuse.
• You won't watch or do something that I'll enjoy just to spend time with me.
• You used to be sensitive and caring, you used to want to make me happy... now you don't seem to care.
• When she was sad you drove all the way to cheer her up, but when I am down you get irritated with me.
• If you're in a bad mood you take it out on me.
• You lie and hide stuff.
• No matter how hard I try, it's never good enough.
• You're always sorry but you always hurt me again.
• I have to do everything your way.
• I'm not allowed to threaten you but you always threaten me.
• I love you more.
• I miss you more.
• You won't talk and you won't erase this doubt from my mind.
• You wanted me more when you couldn't have me.
• You're not the boy you told me you were.
• You don't seem upset when our relationship is on the verge of ending.
• I wish I could act like you
• ...but I am afraid that it won't even bother you.

It hurts

CRM and I fought. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. AND today.

It hurts. You don't know how much I have cried.
I tried to break up with him... but I know that even though life is hell with him, it will be even worse without him. And he didn't even seem to be hurt by the fact that I want to break up. I asked him to give me a reason not to break up... and he flatly refused.

Then today he was feeling down and snapped at me for no reason and when I told him not to, he flipped and told me to fuck off because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Today was supposed to be our eleven months... I don't think he even knows.
And I'm not going to mention it to him because he might fight. Again.
I made such a change to my behaviour yesterday and it still wasn't good enough.

I'm so tired of crying! I'm so tired of his SHIT!

Why don't I break up with him?
Because I love him. Because I think I know the real him.

Because I am too scared of realizing that breaking up won't bother him???

To top it off, the parents are also being mean... I am learning to shut up, it goes by quicker that way. ALthough it maybe hurts more.

CNM is here to be a friend, I am glad. We're studying together and she held me and let me cry earlier when I needed it.

I am ready to leave for university now, I am ready now to start a new life.

But I am so sad about CRM... I miss how we used to be.

And now I'm crying again.