Christmas musings

I do not long for a White Christmas. I have learned to love our warm, beautiful African Christmas. We try to stay away from the snowy, wintery decorations purely by the policy of enjoying the place one is in, rather than pretending to be elsewhere.

I still think a snowy Christmas would be fun one day and I hope to experience it one day.

There is a familiar feeling with me this Christmas, as always. When I decorate the Christmas tree with my kid borther and -sister and shop with the parents I can't help thinking that maybe next year we won't have the privilege to be together again. We do not know who may have passed on this time next year, we do not know if there will be a new sadness, a new longing.

It enables one to enjoy and experience as much as possible of this time of togetherness, but it also fills my heart with fear and despair. If I knew where I stood with regards to death and so on, perhaps it would be easier... but not knowing and the thought of leaving behind so much pain - as well as the thought of experiencing the pain of loss) affects me more this time of the year than any other season or month.

Confession time: I only fully realized that tomorrow is the 24th already. [My family opens presents on Christmas Eve and has a big lunch and get-together on Christmas day] The kids have been counting down the days, and this year, that anticipation hasn't really been there for me. That could be mere preoccupation - exams ending late, keeping the house tidy and the parents happy, my relationship problems and anticipation for next year.

Truth be told, I have enjoyed buying presents. I have spent more than ever before and truly, I have loved it. I think it is more fun to give than to receive and I hope that EVERY person will experience this during some point of their life. Maybe it's because it makes me feel worth it, and I think I am the kind of "Manuel" that Paulo Coelho writes about in Manuel is an important and necessary man from Like the Flowing River - the kind of person who thrives on knowing that he/she is serving society and doing something worthwile. I am yet to decide whether this is a good or a bad thing.

When I was younger, Christmas-time had a smell. Not really the wrapping paper, or the food... but I always knew when Christmas was around the corner because that smell (perhaps it was more a feeling, a "Christmas spirit") was always there. I remember the sadness that first year that I couldn't smell Christmas.

People talk about "not feeling the Christmas spirit". I think that is because that spirit is based on our emotions and our personal experiences, and as that changes, so do the things we feel and experience.

I am at the beginning of a new phase in my life and to top that off, I have a boyfriend at Christmas for the first time ever (I always managed to lose them before Christmas in previous years) and I am a lot more independent (and more stressed) than ever before. And so that is why the "Christmas siprit" to which I have become accustomed to in the past four years, seems distinctly missing this year. What I need to learn now, is that my perception of Christmas spirit is just different now.

Many people have a problem with Christmas as Christ was, by all calculations, probably born in March and not in December. I think the fact that we have Christmas is good enough... to love each other and to reflect.