No More Matric

I got my Matric results yesterday!

English Home Language: 91%
Afrikaans First Additional Language: 95%
Mathematics: 92%
Life Orientation: 93%
Physics: 80%
Life Sciences: 92%
History: 81%

I am happy with most of those, except History, for which I'm going to get a remark. I generally average 94 for History and my whole school managed to get low marks for that - and it was a great exam, so you must know.

I'm thinking about getting a remark for Physics, but it was a really difficult exam and I'm really thankful to still have an A.

Well, now that is over.

An experience with (a form of) plagiarism

A random search of Google revealed a piece of writing I had written for Youth Yournalism International / The Tattoo earlier this year. It was an opinion piece on the USA Presidential Elections and its effect on South Africa and th African Content.

Youth Journalism International is a non-profit organisation that gives voice to aspiring young writers and journalists. The pieces we write for them remain under their copyright and the editors did inform us in writing that they may give other bodies permission to use our writing.

However, something gave me the inkling that if this site had indeed asked for permission from YJI, they would have informed me. Correspondence brought to light that the site (which, for now, I shall not mention) had indeed not been in contact with YJI. At least they stated my name and affilliation - apparently much worse has happened.

It causes for some concern regarding the electronic media. How many writers will randomly search their name to see if anybody is publishing their work without permission? And who is to say that people will put the author's name - that they do not perhaps pass it off as their own work? Must we then search random phrases in our pieces? What about people who copy only a paragraph?

What about websites that require a membership fee to view material? This will then not show up on a search engine.

I guess plagiarism happens in paper and in electronic media, but truth be told, the internet just makes it that much easier.

Musings on oneself

About a year ago, I had this wonderous moment of epiphany. It was as though my eyes opened and I finally saw what I had been, what I went through and what I had become.

And it made sense.

It was wonderful. It was amazing to realize that life had not been pointless, that troubles - although not ordained by a higher power, but allowed; and so used towards a greater plan - truly had obeyed the ancient clichè and made me a better person.

Now I come to a point where I wonder if it really was, because somehwere among the rush and the tears and the achievements of 2008, I seem to have lost myself again. A part of me yearns for a torturous couple of years to mould me back into the person I was, the person admired by so many, the person worthy of life.

I recall walking along a mountain path with him a little over a year ago. I recall telling him that some people aren't made for relationships. That it "cramps their style". That I think I am better off alone.

I fought to be right. I felt I had proved my point. Now I just wish I was wrong.

More than anything, I want to find myself more, I want to find answers to these conundra.

I sense a goodbye and I don't like it

Last night:
I was crying all of last night and ended up chatting to one of my good friends on my phone’s IM till about 2am, when I finally fell asleep. It seems that I want a break up now. It seems I finally understand… and it’s horrible because one part of my life wants to stay with Chris, but a tiny part thinks and almost knows that we need to break up.

Quick intro:
For those of you not familiar with the story: we met mid-2004 and a week later he contacted me again. At our first “date” he admitted he liked me. So we started a kind of cycle – we’d become close friends, we’d date, it would be good, then I’d break up with him and he’d be really hurt. Given about a month or three, the same sequence would repeat itself.

Over the years, despite the break ups and the obvious different feelings, we became pretty good friends. Best friends just about, except he treated me way better than I treated him. He said he loved me, and his behaviour proved it. Except I didn’t believe in love (sometimes I still doubt its existence) and I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I think I enjoyed being the heartbreaker for a change.

Finding myself in loneliness:
The three and a half years of being single was good for me. I got to really know myself, what I stood for, what I wanted, what I deserved. I dealt with my past and I started to see what a great guy Chris is. And I’m not sure when this happened, but I came to realize that… I love him. I think it took me six months to admit it to myself.

What you don’t know:
In the three and a half years of being chased, Chris did have other girlfriends. Mainly, I think, because I told him to stop moping. Except, we fooled around and acted a lot like we were dating even when he was in relationships. He cheated on them with me, never with any other girl. And I was the one pushing for it.

Officially:
Beginning 2008 we started dating. And I say that for lack of a better word. And it was wonderful.

Trouble in paradise:
The wheel turns. I started thinking, if he cheated on them, who’s to say he won’t cheat on me? Once a cheater, always a cheater? And yet I was the common factor all those times was me, and according to him he had who he had dreamed of all those years and why would he mess it up now? And in the past year and a half he has done nothing to betray my trust (I have my ways of finding out when guys lie or betray) and yet I find myself not trusting him.

When love isn’t enough:
When we had our break in June this year, one of the things he kept saying when I asked him how he could say it’s over and I love you in the same sentence, was, “sometimes love isn’t enough”. For the longest time I couldn’t forgive him for that. But now? I’m starting to realize what he meant.

Our fights are generally about stupid things. And if he thinks one of my questions are stupid, he won’t answer it even if it won’t make a difference. And I won’t let go. And we’re both so freaking stubborn. And he treats me so well most times, and spoils me, and spends time with me, but times come that I feel emotionally neglected. As though we just can’t give each other what we need right now.

Maybe now just isn’t the right time:
At our last fight, I told him, “maybe you were wrong. Maybe we aren’t meant for each other. Maybe we are both with the completely wrong person. Maybe you made a mistake.” And he said, “Maybe now just isn’t the right time in our lives.”

My attitude this year:
Basically I’ve said, if we break up now, it’s over forever. There’s no such things as realizing a few years from now that he made the biggest mistake of his life. There’s no such thing as wanting me back after a while. But now I’m beginning to think I’m wrong.

So the problem:
I’m going off 1000km (i don't know how many miles... PLENTY) next year to university. This year has been great, having him. But it’s also been awesomely tough. The doubt, the fights. And I’m just beginning to think: maybe we do need time apart. Time to say “no” to people who ask us out, not because we have to (in order not to cheat) but because we realize that they are not what we want or deserve. Time to think about what we want from a relationship and what we want to give. Time for me to think about whether I’m willing to trust him (or another guy) and what I expect of a guy. Time for him to think about how he wants to treat his girl. Time to mature, to be willing to sacrifice and compromise. Time to grow, I guess.

What to do:
I want to maybe have a heart to heart with him. Possibly 2nd or 3rd January. One that isn’t preceded by a fight, so chances of both of us being calm and logical are greater. I am not going to force a break up with him, but I’m going to tell him that I’m struggling to hold on. Mention the possibility of a break up. And decide together. Make agreements. I don’t know, it’s difficult to put it on paper, but hopefully you get the idea.

I don’t know…:
I don’t know if this is a good idea. And I don’t know if I can go through with it. That is what made me cry last night and I’ve been in an irritable and downright horrible mood all day (either the emotional upset, the lack of sleep, PMS or all three). I love him and I have no doubt that he loves me. And I can’t imagine a life without him. I can’t imagine telling my family, because he fits in so perfectly with us.
Little secret: all those years that I gave him bat and treated him badly, when I secretly thought or dreamt of my future kids, I always pictured him as their dad. I used to hate it, because I couldn’t help it.

The Swiss Ophthalmologist and his Teddy

He was once known as the best ophthalologist in South Africa. He has humour, he has wit, he also has immense wisdom.

He tells us of a difficult childhood. A poor family with five children in Switzerland.

A mother who would always give some soup to the needy, no matter how much she had to dilute it with water. As long as everybody got something.

His father with his faithful watchdog, working as a guard.

And this brilliant little boy whose intelligence wowed his teachers. Teachers who told his parents it would be a sin not to let this boy continue with his schooling straight through to tertiary education.

He took a job and his father took two, just to get him the very best education.

And look at him now. Wealthy. Intelligent. Well-known. STRONG.
Battling cancer and muscular dystrophy, an ex-wife and ungreatful children.

One story from his childhood still makes me cry. He had one toy, just one. A teddybear that was his best friend. He was a little boy of about eight during World War 2 and his teacher told the class about all the little boys and girls whose homes and toys had been destroyed by the bombings. They were going to have a toy collection for these poor little boys and girls and all the children were to bring at least one toy as donation to school during the next week.

This little boy went home and looked at his favourite, loved little companion. And he took the teddy to his teacher the next day and he cried, he cried so much, but he gave it up, and the teacher said not to worry, he is doing a good thing. And for the rest of that week, his teddy-friend sat on Teacher's desk and watched him, and the little boy felt such loneliness.

Could that teacher not see that this boy was poor to, and needed a toy - his ONLY toy? Could she not secretly give it back to him? Did she perhaps at least notice the amazing sacrifice he was making?

I wish I could go back in time and hug that little boy and give him his teddy back.

Because of all the stories the doctor has told us... this is the only one that still makes him cry when he tells it.

Christmas musings

I do not long for a White Christmas. I have learned to love our warm, beautiful African Christmas. We try to stay away from the snowy, wintery decorations purely by the policy of enjoying the place one is in, rather than pretending to be elsewhere.

I still think a snowy Christmas would be fun one day and I hope to experience it one day.

There is a familiar feeling with me this Christmas, as always. When I decorate the Christmas tree with my kid borther and -sister and shop with the parents I can't help thinking that maybe next year we won't have the privilege to be together again. We do not know who may have passed on this time next year, we do not know if there will be a new sadness, a new longing.

It enables one to enjoy and experience as much as possible of this time of togetherness, but it also fills my heart with fear and despair. If I knew where I stood with regards to death and so on, perhaps it would be easier... but not knowing and the thought of leaving behind so much pain - as well as the thought of experiencing the pain of loss) affects me more this time of the year than any other season or month.

Confession time: I only fully realized that tomorrow is the 24th already. [My family opens presents on Christmas Eve and has a big lunch and get-together on Christmas day] The kids have been counting down the days, and this year, that anticipation hasn't really been there for me. That could be mere preoccupation - exams ending late, keeping the house tidy and the parents happy, my relationship problems and anticipation for next year.

Truth be told, I have enjoyed buying presents. I have spent more than ever before and truly, I have loved it. I think it is more fun to give than to receive and I hope that EVERY person will experience this during some point of their life. Maybe it's because it makes me feel worth it, and I think I am the kind of "Manuel" that Paulo Coelho writes about in Manuel is an important and necessary man from Like the Flowing River - the kind of person who thrives on knowing that he/she is serving society and doing something worthwile. I am yet to decide whether this is a good or a bad thing.

When I was younger, Christmas-time had a smell. Not really the wrapping paper, or the food... but I always knew when Christmas was around the corner because that smell (perhaps it was more a feeling, a "Christmas spirit") was always there. I remember the sadness that first year that I couldn't smell Christmas.

People talk about "not feeling the Christmas spirit". I think that is because that spirit is based on our emotions and our personal experiences, and as that changes, so do the things we feel and experience.

I am at the beginning of a new phase in my life and to top that off, I have a boyfriend at Christmas for the first time ever (I always managed to lose them before Christmas in previous years) and I am a lot more independent (and more stressed) than ever before. And so that is why the "Christmas siprit" to which I have become accustomed to in the past four years, seems distinctly missing this year. What I need to learn now, is that my perception of Christmas spirit is just different now.

Many people have a problem with Christmas as Christ was, by all calculations, probably born in March and not in December. I think the fact that we have Christmas is good enough... to love each other and to reflect.

Epiphanies

For much of my life, I have dreamed of the kind of guy who would make me truly happy. The kind of guy "I deserve".

But now I am learning that that is one big lie, because I have found a guy who vowed to be good and I am even more unhappy.

He is a good person. At least, I think he is. But he cannot fulfil my expectations. In fact, I don't think any guy can fulfil them. And the more I expect, the more he hurts me, the more we fight and the more my mind and soul are tortured.

I think I am beginning to realize that I need to find happiness within myself, because it seems that no person can do it for me.

But how do I find happiness within myself when I measure myself by the people in my life? From where does one extract happiness if it is not from people, not from achievements and not from events?

Is happiness merely abstract, merely the absence of sadness and fear - just as dark is only the absence of light and cold is only the absence of heat?

Do I find happiness in faith? In God? That would be wonderful, were it not for my doubtfulness.
Who is to say that a Muslim does not extract the same joy from his faith as I used to get from mine?

I am so tired of waiting around to hear from CRM. He oly contacts me when he has nothing else to do. I swim, I read, I try to keep myself busy, but he is on my mind the whole time. I keep running to my phone to see if there is something from him. Everytime there's a car in the driveway, I rush out to see if maybe, just once, he is surprising me with a visit. I am crying now because I don't seem to mean as much to him as he means to me.

WHY, GOD, WHY WON'T HE BE NICE TO ME?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?

I am trying to think of our relationship positively, apparently that actually affects the other person's behaviour too.

I also think I might have lower grade depression, which is apparently the most frequently undiagnosed mental disorder. I read an article about it in an old 'O' magazine and it sounds just like me.

But then again, that could just be me and my relationship issues.

Why it's over

I deserve a guy who can't wait to see me. A guy that wants to see me as much as possible. Aguy who will sacrifice a rugby game or a few extra litres of petrol to see me. And he won't even consider it a sacrifice.

I deserve a guy who thinks twice, maybe even three times before getting angry. A guy who thinks that maybe I didn't mean bad, that MAYBE he is interpreting incorrectly.

I deserve a guy who treats me with dignity even if he IS angry with me. A guy who will not hurt me on purpose.

I deserve a guy that listens to me, even if he does not enjoy what I am saying. A guy who does not slam the phone in my ear. A guy who listens to my fears and soothes them. A guy who wants to make me happy - not because he is on a leash, but because he loves me too much to see me sad.

I deserve a guy who cares.

I deserve a guy who is willing to work on problems rather than pretending they do not exist.

I deserve a guy that will fight not to lose me no matter how angry he is with me, no matter how tired he is.

I realize no guy is perfect, but I deserve the guy that at least wants to be all these things, and tries.

I have given you almost a year to be that guy, because you told me you could be. But you have not. You say that you love me, but love is not enough if you do not treat me with dignity or respect, if you are not willing to talk and compromise. I refuse to be the kind of girl who clings to a destructive relationship in the name of love one minute longer.

And that is why it is over.

Update

I've been on camp since Monday - but it was horrible and for the first time in my life I left a camp before the end. I think it has something to do with my gradual loss of faith... everybody was so on fire for God and to me it just seemed so... I don't know.

CRM and I fought. He's seeing that stupid child this weekend and my trust and his anger and and and... it was horrible. He slapped me... I hit and punched and scratched him first... I tried to break up with him but I couldn't.

I've cried so much. I wish I could see him cry, or care, or something...

I don't know if we'll last forever and with every day that goes by I know I will hurt even more if we break up... but I can't.

Oh lord.

I can't.

I need clarity. I need care, tenderness, love in action and not just in words.

Oh lord.

Please.

Things I hate about you

• I would give up everything for you, but you are not willing to make sacrifices for me.
• I would rather spend time with you than with friends, but you prefer your friends.
• When I am upset you are the only person I want to talk to... when you are upset I am the one person you do not want to see.
• You "punish" me by ignoring me as soon as I say or do something that you don't like.
• If you want to be alone I must let you be regardless of what I want, but if I need something from you and you're not in the mood, you will refuse.
• You won't watch or do something that I'll enjoy just to spend time with me.
• You used to be sensitive and caring, you used to want to make me happy... now you don't seem to care.
• When she was sad you drove all the way to cheer her up, but when I am down you get irritated with me.
• If you're in a bad mood you take it out on me.
• You lie and hide stuff.
• No matter how hard I try, it's never good enough.
• You're always sorry but you always hurt me again.
• I have to do everything your way.
• I'm not allowed to threaten you but you always threaten me.
• I love you more.
• I miss you more.
• You won't talk and you won't erase this doubt from my mind.
• You wanted me more when you couldn't have me.
• You're not the boy you told me you were.
• You don't seem upset when our relationship is on the verge of ending.
• I wish I could act like you
• ...but I am afraid that it won't even bother you.

It hurts

CRM and I fought. Friday. Saturday. Sunday. AND today.

It hurts. You don't know how much I have cried.
I tried to break up with him... but I know that even though life is hell with him, it will be even worse without him. And he didn't even seem to be hurt by the fact that I want to break up. I asked him to give me a reason not to break up... and he flatly refused.

Then today he was feeling down and snapped at me for no reason and when I told him not to, he flipped and told me to fuck off because he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.

Today was supposed to be our eleven months... I don't think he even knows.
And I'm not going to mention it to him because he might fight. Again.
I made such a change to my behaviour yesterday and it still wasn't good enough.

I'm so tired of crying! I'm so tired of his SHIT!

Why don't I break up with him?
Because I love him. Because I think I know the real him.

Because I am too scared of realizing that breaking up won't bother him???

To top it off, the parents are also being mean... I am learning to shut up, it goes by quicker that way. ALthough it maybe hurts more.

CNM is here to be a friend, I am glad. We're studying together and she held me and let me cry earlier when I needed it.

I am ready to leave for university now, I am ready now to start a new life.

But I am so sad about CRM... I miss how we used to be.

And now I'm crying again.

If we had thanksgiving

In South Africa we don't celebrate thanksgiving, although Americans living here do, so I have experienced one thanksgiving dinner.

So, since anytime is a good time to be thankful and I don't think I am thankful nearly enough, here is what I am thankful for:

• My family - perhaps that sounds clichèd, but I have lived in mortal fear of losing on of them to death and that has helped me to appreciate them so much more. I appreciate that I have them, because I know that so many people grieve for the loss of theirs daily.
• Love - it took me a long time to start believing in it again and even longer to recognize the feeling. It has not been easy this year, we fought so much and sometimes it was downright ugly. But somehow this year would not have been the same without him and I do love him like I know he loves me.
• School - the beautiful Victorian building, the technology, the shelter of the Matric Quad, the safety within those walls. I know I belong and I shall miss it dearly. And the things I learnt, of course - because I know that every thing has meant something to me.
• Teachers - not for the knowledge they taught me, but the insight. The care and the interest, the things they taught me about myself.
• My house, clean running water, electricity, shoes, clothes and food - because more than 80% of the country doesn't have that.
• My brain - it has put me in places that many envy and has helped me cope in many situations. And it helped me be Dux.
• Books - they keep me company when nobody else will and are a great procrastination tool.
• iPod - because it's mine, gosh!
• Debating, the debating juniors and debating trips - because it destroys ignorance and develops people and shows me a side of myself I sometimes forget. And because it is possible the funnest thing to do!

Being accepted to study Medicine at Stellenbosch-Tygerberg

Not getting everything I wanted

• Being granted another day of life every morning
• Friends - I don't see them much, but the times we have spent together have been a blessing
• Grade 8s - they made my year wonderful and filled me with purpose.
• Chocolate
• Mxit, Facebook and Google - 'nuff said.
• God - because, despite my struggles and doubt, I do believe he still looks out for me

The Giant with the Big Hair

It is strange how, when I was pleading with God not to take any more loved ones from us and named every person I could think of in a prayer, this thought entered my mind:
The next person to go will be one you hadn't mentioned.

And soon, off the family had to go to another funeral... I couldn't go along due to exams and I wish I could have.

I remember him. I haven't seen him in a long, long time, but I remember how close our families were when I was a little kid and we lived in the same town. I remember how I loved visiting them, how his booming voice would echo around the braai-area.

I remember how hard they tried for a baby and how ecstatic he was when his son was born.
Dad was real good friends with him and it hurt me so to hear his voice crack over the phone. In a way I am glad that I wasn't here when the news came - I couldn't stand another memory of my parents receiving terrible news...

I look at the funeral handout. Not the usual one-page-foldover; this one is thick with letters from people who loved this giant.

He loved the outdoors, animals and camping; his family, his six-string Yamaha, making delicious dishes, motorbikes... I didn't know these things, but it's all here in the handout.

I cannot believe that Pappa visited this family for two days just before the heart attack happened... He says that on Thursday morning when he greeted them, this dear man told him to visit again soon. If only Pappa had known it was the last time he would talk to him.

Friday night - death after a heart attack and a coma. He was not your typical heart-problem candidate - he loved the outdoors and activity for heaven's sake - but neither was he a fitness freak. So unexpected.

He has a wife. A lovely wife and a darling 13-year-old son.

I cry when I think of the funeral. I can imagine the tears, the mother and son sitting next to each other, their grief tangible. In his letter, the boy writes, "Every day when I look into the heavens above, I see your beautiful, loving and caring face and that's how it will always be. I will look after our family and friends, especially Mom. I will keep her safe."

Then I read What will matter by Michael Josephson:

Ready or not, some day it will all come to an end.
There will be no more sunrises, no minutes, hours or days.
All the things you collected, whether treasured or forgotten
will pass to someone else.

Your wealth, fame and temporal power will shrivel to irrelevance.
It will not matter what you owned or what you were owed.
Your grudges, resentments, frustrations and jealousies will finally disappear.
So too, your hopes, ambitions, plans and to-do lists will expire.
The wins and losses that once seemed so important will fade away.
It won't matter where you came fromor what side of the tracks you lived on at the end.
It won't matter whether you were beautiful or brilliant.
Even your gender and skin color will be irrelevant.

So what will matter?
How will the value of your days be measured?

What will matter is not what you bought but what you built,
not what you got but what you gave.
What will matter is not your success but your significance.
What will matter is not what you learned but what you taught.
What will matter is every act of integrity,
compassion,
courage,
or sacrifice
that enriched, empowered or encouraged others to emulate your example.

What will matter is not your competence but your character.
What will matter is not how many people you knew, but how many will feel a lasting loss when you're gone.
What will matter is not your memories but the memories that live in those who loved you.
What will matter is how long you will be remembered, by whom and for what.

Living a life that matters doesn't happen by accident.
It's not a matter of circumstance but of choice.

Choose to live a life that matters.

The handout says that he bought take-aways for street children. It tells of the many societies and organizations he supported. It tells of the love for his family. His Sunday School Class. His attention to the elderly... it is a long list.

And I know this: none of us know what his opinions were on theological debates, his stances on manuscripts and denominations and the end of times. Bu what we do know is the he LOVED.
I was told a while ago that the reason love for God is the most important commandment, is because if you love God you will automatically be adhering to all other commandments and ways of the Christian lifestyle.

I want to be like that. I want to do small good deeds and touch people's lives. When I die one day (hopefully not soon) I don't want people to talk about my brilliant brain... I want them to talk about the good that I did.

I am so sad for this loss, for the tragedy of death.

But I appreciate the inspiration that this Giant with the Big Hair has now been for me and others - his last great deed before joining the palace of his Creator.

"Jam-Jams"

That is my friend C.N.M.'s expression for having a good time or party.

So I went to the club with C.R.M. last night. C.N.M. and Shay were there too - heck, just about everyone in my history class (that still has an exam tomorrow) was there. I guess we decided to rebel against the fact that most eveybody else has finished exams.

So he SMS'ed me yesterday saying he was going to go and do I have an exam today (which I suppose was an invitation to come along). I didn't really want to go because I'm tired and all that, but hell! He's gone out without me too much now and I don't want all those drunk girls around him like that... he doesn't know that though.

Except, I only had one drink before the dancefloor opened and I just couldn't get into the whole dancing thing. I guess it's exam stress and the stuff that's been going on in the relationship and the fact that he was making suggestive jokes (which, although I know it means nothing, really pisses me off) and had being kind of touchy.

I was actually feeling like I was going to burst into tears at any moment.

So I got him to buy me another stronger drink, and an hour later another one.
(NOTE: I wasn't driving and the legal drinking age in S.A. is 18)

I think I was drunk... I've never been drunk before so I don't know, but things looked kind of wonky. Although it could have been a combination of lights and drink because I was completely stable and fine on the dancefloor. Don't know if that makes any sense.

I do feel bad. I ask him not to get drunk and he hasn't for almost two years. He was very sweet and protective and understanding though. But I don't like the thought of not having controlled myself.

But you know, I remember how I felt... I must watch myself, because in a way I was drinking so that I could have an excuse not to look him in the eye and to be a bit dazed. When really I just wanted to pretend he was any other guy and that I didn't have all these questions inside my head.

We got home at 2:30 and I had to wake up at 8 to clean the house because the parents are coming back from the funeral. I hate how we can't seem to have a break from losing people who are dear to us.

Have tried to learn but it's difficult. I'm SO tired.

Two left...

Right, for practicallity's sake, I'll be tagging the normal day-to-day updates (i.e. non-philosophical stuff that you may or may not find slightly boring) with the label "update"(original, I know).

I wrote my final History 1 paper today... three hours of continuous writing, darn my hand is cramping! Chose the Cold War and Civil Protest in America sections.
They were kind of irritating because they had the usual essay topics ["Using the sources and your knowledge, discuss the effect the Berlin Wall had on the lives of ordinary people" and "Discuss Martin Luther King's final lines to "I have a dream" with regards to the role and influence of the Civil Rights Movement],
but this time I am not complaining.
Firstly, I didn't study nearly hard enough.
Secondly, I need the best possible marks these exams... I need that bursary!

I am a bit jealous of this chicky in my science class... she gets the Friends of South African Students bursary (that's not what I'm jealous of though) and they are helping her get into Amherst in the States...

I'm jealous because they paid for her SATs and helped her with preparation and they are paying her application fees and will pay for all expenses if she gets accepted.

My marks are way better than hers and I know I would have done really well at the SATs, but I couldn't afford any of the fees...

I don't mind if she goes- hell, if she gets in then she deserves it!
I just know that I deserve it too, and I'm not getting it because we're not rich enough to get what we want, but nor are we poor enough to get needs-based bursaries.
And I really wanted to go to Amherst or Harvard. And I could've made it if the whole international thing didn't complicate matters so much when you don't have a middle man helping out.

Now I have to wait 7 years. I know that these things have always happened for a reason, and I know that all the stuff from the past few years have been worth it, but it's still not nice...

Anywho, I have two papers left now. And then it is the long wait to find out about the results.
I am nervous.
What if my papers are marked by bad examiners?
What if they're too rigid with their marking?
What if they lose one of my diagram sheets during transit?
What if my marks get confused with somebody else's?

Pappa says I mustn't be of such little faith, but one hears of these stories so often.

I have the day off tomorrow to prepare for History 2. Ugh. South African Liberation, Truth and Reconciliation Commission, Affect of the fall of the USSR on the world and African Colonies...
Not my favourite sections.
I'm going to go to A.W.'s for a study group. I like going there, he feeds me haha! And we spend good time together and he manages to get me into the sun and the pool too.

Am considering going to Summer Camp. Nothing like American Summer Camp, the youth organisations just call it summer camp to make it sound more appealing.
But it sounds real cool, there's going to be paintball, pellet gun ranges, mountain climbing, sandboarding...

Anyways. I think I must go take the hambabies from their mommy, she's getting really snappy and they're so big, I think they're ready to be weaned.

Oh... C.R.M. and I haven't fought in 3 days. I really want us to be good to each other. Saw him this morning... something feels wrong though. Like... oh whatever. My hand is cramping up again.

Tata

Understanding Christianity?

So... I've had this problem with religion for a while. I try, I do, and I remember a time that I truly could feel God's presence (except now, that phrase sounds so... corny... to me).

One thing that has always (and I mean always, even before this wilderness experience) bothered me about Christians is the ease with which they judge and condemn others. I will be the first to tell you that not all Christians are like that and I am fully aware of the fact... but many of them are.

I read this piece yesterday (yes, I do still try to read the Bible... sometimes it feels like my lifeline. I may be half-drowning in the ocean, but at least I'm holding on to a lifesaver that is connected to some stability, however far-off it may be):

"And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins. And no one after drinking old wine wants the new, for he says, 'The old is better'."
Luke 5:37-39 (NIV Life Application Study Bible)

Right, so if you are anything like me, you have a big blank look on your face right now and are thinking, "Uhm. Right. Wineskins. Meaning?"
So, from the annotations in my study Bible:

"Wineskins were goatskins sewed together at the edges to form watertight bags. Because new wine expands as it ages, it had to be put in new, pliable wineskins. A used skin, having become more rigid, would burst and spill the wine. Like old wineskins, the Pharisees were too rigid to accept Jesus, who could not be contained in their religions and rules. Christianity required new approaches, new traditions, new structures. Our church programs and ministries should not be so structured that they have no room for a fresh touch of the spirit, a new method, or a new idea. We, too, must be careful that our hearts do not become so rigid that they prevent us from accepting the new way of thinking that Christ brings. We need to keep our hearts pliable so we can accept Jesus' life-changing message."

Got me thinking... Christianity was kind of a rebel-religion. Don't sue me for blasphemy - I'm not saying it was wrong. I'm just saying it was the "new thing" and the greater part of society strongly condemned it. It was new. It dared to break the boundaries of societies, it dared to be different.

So how come we are so rigid today? How come we are so serious about dogma and paperwork and tradition when clearly being a follower of Christ entails SO MUCH MORE?

It reminded me of something a member of the site http://www.christianforums.com/ said in response to an atheist teenager's tale of persecution at school for his lack of religion. Paraphrased, it was something like this: "Tell them they are being ignorant and not following the principles of their religion. This is the problem with religion becoming culture. Religion is not supposed to become culture, because then it becomes grounds for discrimination."

Just sideways, I find it mildly entertaining and terrible tragic that America is quick to judge abuses of human rights in other parts of the world, but just as quick to judge Islam, atheism and homosexuality. Because Americans base their laws and lives on Christianity. Which, if you understand what Christianity is about - love, mercy - is not an altogether bad thing. Except, very few people get it.

If you are going to be non-judgemental, loving, merciful... by all means, call yourself a Christian.

But if not? If you are going to persecute those with different beliefs, if you are going to be a rigid wineskin...

...please, don't give the rest of us who are really trying a bad name.

Interest's Sake

This blog will be anonymous - it is something I need desperately because notes on Facebook just don't cut it anymore and I don't always want the people there to read what I write. So my name is not important - nobody who knows me probably even comes to this site.

Here is what might be of interest:

• I am a January 1990-kid
• I am South African
• There are no lions in my backyard, I do have two cats and a dog and hamsters though
• I am leaving school soon - 4 exams left to write
• I love chocolate, my favourites being Beacons Caramel Biscotti Slab, M&Ms and Hershey's Kisses - in that order.
• Macaroni and Cheese is probably the best invention after chocolate
• Meat is not so cool and only to be eaten when force-fed
• Stir-fry is the one thing I cannot get down my throat

• I am liberal.
• I am fanatic about justice, equality and freedom - do not get in my way.
• My beliefs may be a bit odd sometimes, but they are driven by a sense of morality.
• I try to be a follower of Christ. It doesn't work so well sometimes, but I do try.
• "I am oddball" - I try not to care. Deal with it.

• The loss of culture in our world is one of the things I consider a greatest tragedy.
• Books are your friends!
• Regarding books and movies - I can't do the horror-thing.
• Otherwise, any good craftsmanship is appreciated. Even action and thriller, but I will always enjoy those that reveal society most, like historical stuff.
• With regards to music, anything besides house and heavy metal that tries to have good lyrics.

• I am going to change the world one day... watch me.

Realization

I had a sad realization somewhere during the past few days (I still don't know how to spell realization).

He has become exactly what I wanted him to be when we met 4 years and 5 months ago.

Granted, I had been scarred by men.
Granted, I had hardened myself beyond reproach.
Granted, I still had much to learn about who I was and what I really wanted and needed.

But the kind of guy I desired, deep down, was one that was macho, wouldn't cry in front of me and wouldn't smother me.

He was manly, of course. But he got attached to me so easily. He trusted me completely and wanted me to solve all his problems. He would cry in front of me. He would do anything for me. He kept trying to get me to go places with him. He told me he loved me so often.

I hated him.
He didn't give up.
He taught me how to love again...

But I am seeing the damage of our fights, my insults, now.

When we fight nowadays he gets angry quickly.
I can't remember when last I saw him cry and he gets angry with me when I cry.
He isn't open to me talking about stuff anymore.
He doesn't keep trying to do adorable things.

It seems that I am forever trying to change circumstances and am never happy with the results...
Would if I had left him as he was?
That's the boy I fell in love with, but now he has turned into someone the oyunger me wanted.

All I want now is him.

I feel hopeless.

Sometimes I think we should break up, the time of magic is over...
but then I think of Shakespeare's Let me not to the marriage of true minds... and I can't, oh I can't because I know something in my heart that my mind just cannot fathom yet - or that my mind has forgotten.

We have spoken about ending things.

But neither of us has the guts to do it.

That one week we spent broken up in June caused so much damage already.

I don't know.
I don't know.
I just... want things to be good again. Like we both deserve...

...even the worste people deserve love.