Epiphanies

For much of my life, I have dreamed of the kind of guy who would make me truly happy. The kind of guy "I deserve".

But now I am learning that that is one big lie, because I have found a guy who vowed to be good and I am even more unhappy.

He is a good person. At least, I think he is. But he cannot fulfil my expectations. In fact, I don't think any guy can fulfil them. And the more I expect, the more he hurts me, the more we fight and the more my mind and soul are tortured.

I think I am beginning to realize that I need to find happiness within myself, because it seems that no person can do it for me.

But how do I find happiness within myself when I measure myself by the people in my life? From where does one extract happiness if it is not from people, not from achievements and not from events?

Is happiness merely abstract, merely the absence of sadness and fear - just as dark is only the absence of light and cold is only the absence of heat?

Do I find happiness in faith? In God? That would be wonderful, were it not for my doubtfulness.
Who is to say that a Muslim does not extract the same joy from his faith as I used to get from mine?

I am so tired of waiting around to hear from CRM. He oly contacts me when he has nothing else to do. I swim, I read, I try to keep myself busy, but he is on my mind the whole time. I keep running to my phone to see if there is something from him. Everytime there's a car in the driveway, I rush out to see if maybe, just once, he is surprising me with a visit. I am crying now because I don't seem to mean as much to him as he means to me.

WHY, GOD, WHY WON'T HE BE NICE TO ME?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?

I am trying to think of our relationship positively, apparently that actually affects the other person's behaviour too.

I also think I might have lower grade depression, which is apparently the most frequently undiagnosed mental disorder. I read an article about it in an old 'O' magazine and it sounds just like me.

But then again, that could just be me and my relationship issues.