"Jam-Jams"

That is my friend C.N.M.'s expression for having a good time or party.

So I went to the club with C.R.M. last night. C.N.M. and Shay were there too - heck, just about everyone in my history class (that still has an exam tomorrow) was there. I guess we decided to rebel against the fact that most eveybody else has finished exams.

So he SMS'ed me yesterday saying he was going to go and do I have an exam today (which I suppose was an invitation to come along). I didn't really want to go because I'm tired and all that, but hell! He's gone out without me too much now and I don't want all those drunk girls around him like that... he doesn't know that though.

Except, I only had one drink before the dancefloor opened and I just couldn't get into the whole dancing thing. I guess it's exam stress and the stuff that's been going on in the relationship and the fact that he was making suggestive jokes (which, although I know it means nothing, really pisses me off) and had being kind of touchy.

I was actually feeling like I was going to burst into tears at any moment.

So I got him to buy me another stronger drink, and an hour later another one.
(NOTE: I wasn't driving and the legal drinking age in S.A. is 18)

I think I was drunk... I've never been drunk before so I don't know, but things looked kind of wonky. Although it could have been a combination of lights and drink because I was completely stable and fine on the dancefloor. Don't know if that makes any sense.

I do feel bad. I ask him not to get drunk and he hasn't for almost two years. He was very sweet and protective and understanding though. But I don't like the thought of not having controlled myself.

But you know, I remember how I felt... I must watch myself, because in a way I was drinking so that I could have an excuse not to look him in the eye and to be a bit dazed. When really I just wanted to pretend he was any other guy and that I didn't have all these questions inside my head.

We got home at 2:30 and I had to wake up at 8 to clean the house because the parents are coming back from the funeral. I hate how we can't seem to have a break from losing people who are dear to us.

Have tried to learn but it's difficult. I'm SO tired.