Realization

I had a sad realization somewhere during the past few days (I still don't know how to spell realization).

He has become exactly what I wanted him to be when we met 4 years and 5 months ago.

Granted, I had been scarred by men.
Granted, I had hardened myself beyond reproach.
Granted, I still had much to learn about who I was and what I really wanted and needed.

But the kind of guy I desired, deep down, was one that was macho, wouldn't cry in front of me and wouldn't smother me.

He was manly, of course. But he got attached to me so easily. He trusted me completely and wanted me to solve all his problems. He would cry in front of me. He would do anything for me. He kept trying to get me to go places with him. He told me he loved me so often.

I hated him.
He didn't give up.
He taught me how to love again...

But I am seeing the damage of our fights, my insults, now.

When we fight nowadays he gets angry quickly.
I can't remember when last I saw him cry and he gets angry with me when I cry.
He isn't open to me talking about stuff anymore.
He doesn't keep trying to do adorable things.

It seems that I am forever trying to change circumstances and am never happy with the results...
Would if I had left him as he was?
That's the boy I fell in love with, but now he has turned into someone the oyunger me wanted.

All I want now is him.

I feel hopeless.

Sometimes I think we should break up, the time of magic is over...
but then I think of Shakespeare's Let me not to the marriage of true minds... and I can't, oh I can't because I know something in my heart that my mind just cannot fathom yet - or that my mind has forgotten.

We have spoken about ending things.

But neither of us has the guts to do it.

That one week we spent broken up in June caused so much damage already.

I don't know.
I don't know.
I just... want things to be good again. Like we both deserve...

...even the worste people deserve love.